May 2, 2014

Phoenix Molting

phoenix burning


I had sequenced my life like every American girl is told she should:  finish school, get a good job, get married, have children,  buy a house, have 2.5 kids… blah blah blah.  All my life I’ve always followed the rules (well, mostly) and I’m tired of the way I have settled for less than I am capable and deserving of.

My life was all about pleasing others since the day I wed.  Having to compromise and suppress what I really wanted to do, have, or say so that the marriage stayed intact was the most self esteem destructive thing I have ever done.  I had myself so repressed that I was on anti-depressants for years, bit my nails to bleeding stumps, and cried uncontrollably when I had the rare chance to be home alone.  I commuted over an hour each way to work and had to ask my parents for help many times.  Still, we foreclosed on our home after my husband lost his third job in two years.  He never once thanked me for all the blood sweat and tears I poured into keeping that house, not once.  In fact I believe he resented the fact that I had the skills to provide for the family and he had neither the ambition nor the confidence to find what he loved and do it for a living.  I lost respect and desire for him.  Still, I stayed. Why? The same excuse/reason millions of women stay, we stay


This was my lot in life and I intended to stay and serve my time because I made the commitment, through good times and bad. He broke his vows, though and I fell completely apart.  I went into a deep depression and lost myself to fear.

How could I do all I was already doing PLUS raise my two boys alone? What if a bad guy found out I was alone and broke into the house? I had horrific nightmares like the movie, The Prince of Tides.  Remember when Nick Nolte finally told Barbra Streisand what had happened to him as a child? My worst fear was that I couldn’t protect my babies. When my husband left me for another woman I felt completely vulnerable, lost, adrift in anxiety.  I needed my old routines; I missed his constant, yet annoying, fat, lazy presence of fourteen years. I woke every night after he left in a pool of sweat, shaking with fear of the unknown future and of how I could raise two boys all alone.  From the corner of my room in the middle of yet another sleepless night, I wrote this poem.


Bald spot here on my back

Shame grief shock- exposed

Before I can react

More feathers fall

Chunks of ego drop away

Tender vulnerable raw

My skin thin, pink

People shy away

Looking down I’m naked

Old self burning away

Breathing into closed eyes

Who am I to be now?

Serene in surrender

Nothing to cling to

True colors begin to glow

I let the fire burn

I am the Phoenix

I will fucking FLY!!!

Fly I have this past year, higher and more wildly than I ever could have imagined during that cold lonely night.   My multi-colored wings shine in the Light of self-acceptance, love, and confidence knowing that the strength I need for ANY situation is always within.

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