May 29, 2014

Closure Conversation – WTF?

The relationship is over, what started out so amazing and miraculous has dwindled to us weaning off each other for about the same amount of time we were in love! We had the chance to discuss openly and honestly about what worked and what didn’t work. Lemme tell you, it SUCKED OUT LOUD!!! Trying to be grown up, reasonably sitting down to hear what he didn’t like about the way I behaved or reacted was agony. The three main gripes are still ringing in my head, “You’re needy, controlling, and over-sensitive”. At first I attacked him, feeling defensive and hurt which of course turned immediately to anger. The jabs just flew out of my mouth as I cringed inside at how nasty and bitchy I sounded. I am much quicker to articulate so he was flabbergasted speechless at first. How dare he push these buttons I’ve tried so hard to hide! I was a venomous woman scorned and if he’d have let me I would have ended the relationship, possible friendship, and conversation right then and there. He persevered.

Now three hours later in my bed alone I am glad he held out under my attacks long enough to allow me to see that it was true and these are the things I need to work on within myself. None of my past loves have said I was needy, they’ve thrown out, ” bossy”, “hyper-sensitive”, and “emotional”, but never needy. It feels like a weak and desperate word but I was strong until I fell deeply and madly in love. Like a sneaky virus, my perspective of his reactions, words, and expressions became too important, too influential, and way too painful if he wasn’t adoring me. I found myself needing his hugs after a hard day, I baited him to send flirtatious texts, and I leaned on him for emotional support I should have sought from my girlfriends instead. So sue me, I’m used to making the man in my life the center and working around him! This is the first relationship I’ve started anew since I’ve had my children so I had no idea how hard the juggle would be! My kids are the center of my life and if a man can’t take second or third place priority in my life it simply won’t work. I must admit I want to be at the very top of HIS list though, unless he has kids, then I’ll take second place and nothing less.

In all other aspects of my life I’ve been powerful, strong and self assured, yet one wrong word (according to my over sensitive heart) would make me spin out of control and beat it to death, ultimately making him regret opening his mouth in the first place! No wonder men have a hard time communicating! If the woman is like me and all my fellow females it’s just too damn dangerous to tell the truth to us! As I sit here typing I realize that it’s true what he said. I am more rational now and I can see that I am sensitive and strong both and sometimes my love for someone does indeed make me need them.

The best thing I can do from here on out is to vow to not take his words of criticism and make them into baggage that I drag into my next relationship.

Instead I can do some internal work with those horrible fucking words and look at how I show up in relationship. Where I went wrong with him is exactly where I lost my center and got us both off balance. I would still ask him not to let the water run down the drain when he brushes his teeth, but I would go out with the girls when I needed more confidence and/or compassion. It really boils down to the reality that I am not sure I deserve to be loved the way I want to be.

Am I too demanding?
Can I trust that Spirit really has my back, all the time?
Am I too horny, even for a much younger man to handle?
Am I depending on someone outside myself to assure me that I am wonderful?
Is there a way I can love someone and not try to change him?
How about honest communication about the hard topics? Can I handle the truth?

Can YOU?

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