April 7, 2014

Bliss Bombs



A few weeks ago I broke up with the Love of My Life (LOML).  We took the white-hot ride into relationship. We met, talked on the phone, text-ed, and then he moved in. He caught a one-way flight with nothing but a backpack and his bass guitar.We fell deeply,  madly, crazily, fiercely, in love.

I have two beautiful children and I made the decision to open my home and my family to him.  He was kind, mellow, creative, and very spiritual.  We talked about how I would be the parent and he could just be their friend.  We had an agreement that he would gig (he’s a professional musician) , and I would support him until he got on his feet.  The only thing he needed to do was let me parent my boys and respect my decisions about them.  He crossed that line one day when he told them he gets high.  I felt a huge crack open up in our foundation. It was the beginning of the end.

We had shared many romantic nights by the fire when the kids were gone to their dads’  house.  We laughed, made love, and connected on a deeper level than I knew was possible.  At one point, watching the sunset he actually entered my heart and became one with me on a deep level, impossible to describe in words.  All the orgasms, massages, tender caresses (he once spent 20 minutes on my left knee just exploring and appreciating it), all the meditations we shared, everything bonded us close.  My LOML would plant what I called bliss bombs down my spine, kissing each and every vertebrae from my neck to my ass and then back up.   I felt God had finally answered my prayers, I was loving, loved, and lovable at last.  The best part for me was to pour my love into someone of like mind and soul, to see his eyes light up and a huge smile spread across his face, all because I loved him.

But after three months of the good stuff, I became a walking talking button, everything he did and said smashed another button.  He became morose and defensive. I was angry and resentful.  He needed a job and his own place soon or we would burn the relationship to the ground.  All I kept fighting for was for him to own the mistake of blabbing to my kids his habit, and to get a job, any job and help contribute. Uh oh, trouble in paradise, maybe my LOML is a short-lived experience? Is this where our two worlds collide and turn everything upside down, then spin-off in opposite directions?

I don’t know what he saw in my countenance those last days but it was so bad that he just left, with no money and nowhere to go. He just couldn’t stand to see me so miserable and feel he was the cause of it so he walked away.  LOML is now homeless in the park downtown.  Living and communing with other lost and searching souls under the picnic tables.  My heart has been wrenched with guilt and worry since he left but I knew it was better for me and my family that he go.  After two and half long weeks of crying myself to sleep and keeping manically busy to avoid the pain, I realized I just wanted the good stuff.  Couldn’t I just cull off the cream of the crop? Can’t I just have the bliss and leave the rest of the bullshit behind?  I forgot what was so bad between us and only focused on the amazing loving connection I had finally found after four long years of playing cougar with younger guys and chasing women. The single life has no appeal for me now that I am in love.  I threw caution to the wind, cancelled my date for Friday and girls night out plans for Saturday and invited him to come stay the weekend.

Friday after work I went and picked him up.  He smelled terrible and was embarrassed to hug me.  Still though, his eyes shone with his amazing Light and I told him I just wanted a weekend of bliss and peace and no heavy conversation.  After a very long hot shower and shampoo he came and held me closely.  We were back! We dove heart-first  into that nirvana state of consciousness that time stops and speeds up all at once.   In the flow completely, we enjoyed each others’ humor, touches, sounds, smells and hearts to the fullest.

Once again by the fire we made love, climaxing at the same time and opening our hearts to each other, just like when we first met. We found that sweet spot of harmony and giddy joy in each others company.  “Bombs away!” , I told my Bestie when she asked how the weekend was going.  He was planting those bliss bombs all weekend, the biggest one is still exploding in my heart.

Am I worried about the fallout?  Do I fear the shrapnel of regret or loss again?

No, dear reader I do not.  This is the only life I get and I want the good stuff whenever and however I can filter it out of the daily life of a single mom in love with a homeless man.




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